


I promise I'll try.

by georgiarts



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Some Descriptions of Violence, and how it affects the companions, blood and bruises too, especially yaz, it's kinda thasmin but not established, mainly a big longwinded emotional look at all the issues and anger and confusion in the doctor, spoilers for the judoon ep, they kinda dont realise it yet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:08:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22514500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/georgiarts/pseuds/georgiarts
Summary: The Doctor’s temper had been getting worse and worse and her eyes seemed to be drooping more each day, that bright wide-eyed childish excitement had all but disappeared and it was concerning Yaz no end. She was getting glimpses of that anger she'd seen slowly seeping through the Doctor coming to a head and she was smart enough to know that when it boiled over, because there was no doubt it would, it was likely she’d get scalded too.(((basically they all try to help the Doctor and its ok and then it's not and i am too anxious about the doctor snapping and turning on her companions that i had to write some version of it myself first)))
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Comments: 8
Kudos: 100





	1. Chapter 1

It wasn’t great. She wasn’t proud of herself. She was preoccupied. It was dangerous. It was someone she had never wanted to be. She found herself constantly half out a conversation before it had even begun and everyone had started to notice. Yaz had been first to see that it was a prolonged thing and not just a bit of an emotional hangover after everything with the Master. Usually their other-worldly visits went one of two ways, either they all stuck together as a group, as a four, got up to a little mischief, a little saving a species, a little solar-bathing in an intergalactic spa (thoroughly vetted for signs of Orphan Planet exploitation), or they split. Graham and Ryan would head on their way to something a bit more relaxing, a very specific kind of common Earth-tourist sightseeing, while her and Yaz scouted out something a little more upbeat. Yaz had the questions, the curiosity and the energy that sometimes matched the Doctor’s own, growing in excitement when she did. The Doctor loved a curious creature, and a chance to show off some rapid-fire knowledge every now and then.

But that hadn’t happened in a while, once the Doctor had let herself have a quick trip back to the TARDIS that one time with a little white lie of just having to check something, she couldn't seem to stop herself from doing it again. And again. Yaz had noticed first and then the others had soon followed. This whole thing, it was eating her up inside though, she felt almost a kind of addiction to the search, hunt, to the checking, making sure he wasn't out there. She found herself never quite believing, when she jolted back up to the sound of a door creaking open and grabbed whatever tool lay nearby to pretend to weld or screw, that she hadn’t just missed him. She was scared, she was angry, she had so many questions and she constantly felt herself on the precipice of something, something very much from within, and she was equally scared of finding out what was waiting to be unearthed, untethered there.

Yaz hadn’t thought much of it to begin with, of course when the Doctor suddenly announced that she had forgotten to check something on the TARDIS that needed seeing to right away her first instinct had been to offer a hand. She was always wanting to learn more about that magical, incomprehensible machine, and a little calm one on one time with the Doctor was never something she was going to pass up. But as she had turned to suggest that very plan she found the Doctor already scampering back into the forest of whatever planet they had been on, disappearing into the deep purple trees before she could open her mouth. Must’ve been important.

The night before they visited a future colony of some strange water-like creatures Yaz had been unable to sleep. The TARDIS had been making all sorts of non-usual rumblings, funny, she had thought, that she was able to recognise that now. A little proud smile slipped by. She made her way to the console room, wondering if the Doctor wasn’t about, whether someone should be paying attention to these strange sounds. She stopped short just before the stairs as she caught sight of the Doctor. She was over to her left, almost unnoticeable, and as small as she could make herself it seemed. She was on the floor, leaning against the pillar, knees drawn up, head burrowed into her crossed arms atop them. She might have looked peaceful at first glance, if it hadn't been for the clenched fist of one hand and the angry, panicked tapping of the sonic on her arm from the other.

Yaz wasn’t sure if she should interrupt. The Doctor’s temper had been getting worse and worse and her eyes seemed to be drooping more each day, that bright wide-eyed childish excitement had all but disappeared, it was concerning Yaz no end. But that didn’t mean she wasn’t anxious. She was getting glimpses of that anger coming to a head and she was smart enough to know that when it boiled over, because there was no doubt it would, it was likely she’d get scalded too.

In the end it was her concern that won out and she had softly made herself known.

“Doctor?” she cautiously called across, beginning to make her way down the steps. The Doctor’s head snapped up almost violently.

“Yaz!” she took a second to right the shock in her face, “What are you doing up?”

As the Doctor hadn’t instantly made a move to stand Yaz took a spot at the pillar opposite and sat herself down too.

“Couldn’t sleep, the TARDIS was sounding a little… off, I guess. Wanted to make sure everything was alright.” Yaz followed the almost-question with a soft smile.

“Ah, right.” was the mumbled reply. No further comments came from the Doctor so Yaz continued, breaking the silence just before it settled in around them.

“ _Is_ everything alright?”, it was obvious she wasn’t talking about the ship this time.

A pause. More eye contact than Yaz had got from the Doctor in a while.

A cautious intake of breath.

A fake smile.

“Yeah, course! Old gal is just being a bit uncooperative is all!”, the air grumbled in response, “wearing me out, all these faults and fixing”, the Doctor lifted herself up into a stretch, standing above Yaz, she reached out a hand, bringing her to her feet too, “but anyway, no time for rest when I’ve got to get her ready to go, we’ve got so many things to see ‘ey! Wait till I tell you about where we’re headed tomorrow…”

And that had been that, Yaz had given the Doctor a fake smile in return with a little reassurance tucked behind the eyes to let her know she’d be there when she was ready. For the moment she let herself relish in just a glimmer of truth in the excitement behind the Doctor’s voice as she told her anecdote after anecdote of these aqua people she was so looking forward to her meeting. That and the fact that as she walked Yaz back through the halls to her bedroom telling her she needed sleep with all the swimming she’d have to do tomorrow, she hadn’t yet let go of her hand.

It would have maybe been alright for a little while longer if the Doctor, after all the optimism and hype she’d built up in Yaz the night before, hadn’t bailed on the whole thing before they’d even left the ship the next morning. Yaz couldn’t help the frustrated sigh and shake of her head as she walked past the Doctor, not meeting her eyes, not believing even for a second the lie of an unstable energy alert somewhere she unconvincingly told them she was ‘really sorry no humans could go, but it’ll only take an hour!’ and she’d be ‘back before you know it!’ She’d not been good company to Ryan and Graham the rest of that day. Despite the beauty that lay before her; water that at first glance looked to be filled with actual stardust, and maybe it was, she couldn't help but vibrate a little in that slowly growing resentment she had toward the Doctor’s actions, it felt like it was getting more personal. She didn’t like that. Especially when she found she could barely laugh along with Ryan as Graham slathered on some local sunblock and turned a fantastic shade of blue in response, no she didn’t like that at all.

The Doctor knew she was doing wrong, knew it was affecting morale, and more drastically, simply her relationships with the team, the trust they had in her. When Yaz had returned and not so much as greeted her, she knew something bad was bound to happen soon, she felt like she should do something about it, but…

The Doctor managed to make it through the next two trips, they stuck together as a team, but then she didn’t seem to be able to help herself, temporarily abandoning her companions on the next three explorations after that. There was a tense atmosphere on the ship most of the time these days. Yaz hadn’t really had a heart to heart with the Doctor since her attempt the other night, she had barely had a conversation. After that very first attempt at commenting on her mood and receiving the brisk response of ‘my mood’s fine’ in a tone she’d never had directed at her before, she’d been more cautious. The other night had been her first foray into trying again. She wasn’t sure if she should make another attempt.

A few nights later Yaz found herself unable to sleep once again, her body was dead tired from the events of the day and she wanted nothing more but to curl up and let every muscle slip into relaxation but her humming mind wouldn’t even let her consider it. It’d been a tough day, her, Ryan and Graham had ended up in a bit of a sticky situation, not knowing the polite customs of a planet lightyears and lightyears away from your home will do that to you. They had obviously been without the Doctor, which hadn’t helped matters, no tour guide to give the pre-emptive warning to them, and no one to shove some psychic paper in the face of an official representative with a spiel still forming as it was said aloud to get them out of whatever accident they'd wandered into. There had been some of the harshest words she’d heard in a while, cells and interrogations nicely coupled with a little bit of violence, and Yaz had tried, she had tried really hard.

She passed by the entrance to the console room on her way to make a cup of tea and instinctively paused in the doorway for a second as she watched the Doctor float around the room, checking things on various screens every now and then and pushing a button or two. She was aware she was gazing in a forlorn longing type of way, but she felt so distant from that beautiful person nowadays so she comforted herself with the fact that at least it was an honest look to have. Ryan had filled the Doctor in on the day’s events and to her credit she had apologised repeatedly, shocked and saddened and almost on her way out the door to give all involved a piece of her mind. Yaz had definitely seen flashes of guilt and self hatred behind her eyes. Police training had done some good for her, she was adept at spotting liars and those hiding something, though sometimes, like this time, she’d maybe wish she was a little more oblivious, selfishly she’d be enjoying herself more if she was. Yaz had quickly excused herself after the run down of the day, somewhat feigning tiredness, she was exhausted but…

As Yaz stood in the doorway later that night she watched the Doctor first sense her presence then turn to find her.

“Yaz.” the Doctor all but whispered, “Uh-um,” she stuttered, “are you okay?”

Yaz hadn’t been banking on a conversation, she wasn’t sure what to say. The Doctor was nervously asking a layered question. About the day? Because she wasn’t asleep? In general?

“Yeah, I’m alright, just a tough day is all.” she folded into herself a little, her shoulders rising in protection as she picked at her nails; an anxious tell before she found herself admitting, “I- I just didn’t really realise how much I hate feeling so helpless, how much I hate being so out of control. Just, been feeling a lot of that lately, everything with the Kasaavin and Tesla, there’s just been a lot of being alone, separated. I know we were all, well, us three were together this time, but, I don’t know…” she paused before taking the risk, “It didn’t use to feel like this…”

She had been granted access to eye contact with the Doctor throughout this speech she didn’t know she was going to give. (She didn’t even really know she truly felt that way herself.) The Doctor’s face had cycled through a whole lot of emotions throughout her confession, shock and guilt and sadness and you could almost sense a little hopefulness drifting out of the room, dispersing into space. Yaz felt a bit of guilt nagging at the back of her mind, she didn’t want to place blame, even though it was more than warranted, she never wanted the Doctor to feel sad, or upset, or any sort of negative way toward herself. And she was well aware that that was the paradox at the centre of this situation they had ended up in; to help the Doctor not feel that way she had to make the Doctor feel that way. To get to the source of the sadness that had overtaken her Yaz had to fight against her instincts and call the Doctor out on her actions that were manifesting because of whatever else was going on, even if that made her feel worse. The Doctor maybe should have expected the strange shiver of panic that passed through her the moment Yaz finished what she was saying, but somehow it still took her by surprise, all of this was taking her by surprise. How blind was she being, how much had she lost herself. She couldn't lose Yaz. Well, she could, she wasn’t the one who could make that choice, that was all Yaz’s, just as it had been for those before her. But did she want to lose her, of course not, especially like this, because of her choices specifically, how could she ever come back from that…

“Yaz. I-I’m so sorry. I should've been there. Ryan said you were amazing and determined and strong, but you shouldn’t have had to be.” The Doctor’s voice was quiet and shy, hinting at undertones of anger, but it wasn’t directed toward Yaz.

“Yeah.” Yaz could just about manage in response, feeling a little prick of tears behind her eyes.

“Ryan mentioned they were a bit um.. violent? Did they- are you okay?” The Doctor seemed to struggle to ask but seriously needed to know.

“Uh, yeah, couple of scrapes, nothing major.”

“Can I see?” The Doctor asked, then seemingly judging herself a little rapid and desperate in her questioning she righted herself and added “If that’s okay, you don’t have t—“

“No, it’s fine.” Yaz interrupted and started heading down the stairs, the Doctor carefully but quickly met her half way up, standing a couple of steps below. Yaz pushed up her sleeves to show the Doctor the marks on her arms from the strange cuffs and interrogation device they’d used. Tiny metal spikes had jutted out from the handcuffs, scratching up her wrists a bit, and the needle from interrogation had left a bloody mark on the inside of her elbow. The Doctor carefully took her hands in hers, examining the damage, absentmindedly finding herself running her thumbs over her wrists, just below where the cuts and newly blooming bruises were. The Doctor looked up at her, nothing but gentleness and care in her eyes, her jaw tense and brow drawn tight. She let go of one of her wrists noticing, now she was standing closer to Yaz, the slowly purpling mark above her cheekbone. Yaz had been a little rowdy, resulting in a particularly easy to aggravate guard using his fist to quiet her down. It hadn’t worked, much to his annoyance, it had only served to make Yaz louder, and angrier. She would almost feel a little proud of it, if it hadn't been so terrifying in the moment. The Doctor reached up toward her face, brushing the back of her knuckles gently over her cheek, this light touch, the caution and tenderness behind it sending a shiver up the back of Yaz's neck. Her next breath caught in her throat and it seemed to shock the Doctor out of this state. She quickly withdrew her hand and fumbled about for her sonic, messily giving Yaz the once over with it.

“All looks good on here, no infection, only a trace of whatever serum they used still in your system, should be gone by morning.” The Doctor informed her, head bowed to the sonic reading, no longer meeting her eyes.

Well, Yaz supposed, that made the overly honest speech she had just given make a little more sense, some kind of truth serum had been used she guessed. It made her feel a little less worried about her out of sorts declaration and strangely a little more confident about the fact that she could do it again if needed, now she’d taken this first step, even if it was with a little help apparently. The Doctor on the other hand wasn’t comforted, it meant honesty, it meant that Yaz wasn’t okay here, that she wasn’t feeling the buzz of excitement she did when she had first started travelling with her. The Doctor knew she had never promised safety, in fact she had adamantly made sure everyone on board knew that she seriously couldn't guarantee that. But that didn’t mean she wasn’t holding herself to a different set of rules, a different moral code. And someone hurting Yaz, in any way, but seeing that bruise, the force and violence that must have been behind that fist, it was almost too much for her to take.

“Ok” Yaz managed to speak into the silence that had gotten a little tense. “Thanks.”

A monitor started beeping from behind them. It made them both jump and the Doctor made a move to go check but stopped herself and looked back up toward Yaz again.

“I’m gonna try harder Yaz, there’s stuff— but, I’m sorry, I’ve not been acting okay to you all. I promise I’ll try” she stated, quiet but determined. Another set of beeping joined the first as Yaz nodded and the Doctor took that as permission for her to turn and go and Yaz did too.


	2. Chapter 2

Yaz was surprised to find Ryan and Graham both in the kitchen when she and her shaky legs finally made it there.

“Couldn’t sleep too?” she asked, heading over to the kettle, collecting her mug from by the sink on the way, trying to act as casual as possible, like she hadn’t just had the rug swept out from under her feet from a gentle touch on her cheek.

“Nah, got a little catnap in but feelin’ a bit too restless” Graham responded.

Ryan nodded in agreement, though looking a lot more sleepy than he was proposing to be, probably feigning it for Graham’s sake.

“Was that you and the Doc talking just now?” Graham continued.

‘Yeah, kind of, nothing major but… something maybe. Yeah.” Yaz mumbled, trying to make sense of it herself.

They had chatted a little about everything that seemed to be going on with the Doctor before, nothing really in depth, but they’d been left alone a lot lately and the topic of the missing member was obviously going to come up. Yaz had found herself getting a little heated during their talks sometimes, feeling as though the others weren’t taking it seriously enough, that they were letting the Doctor slide too much. It wasn’t that they didn't care, just maybe they didn’t care quite to the level that Yaz did, but that was a conversation for her to have with herself another day. They had each other, Ryan was consistently calling Graham granddad, they were seeing the world and all the other worlds out there together, it was an emotional journey for them through grief and re-found health, growth and bonding, it was different for them than it was for Yaz. Different perspectives and differing priorities.

“That’s good.” Ryan commented, “At least she didn’t snap at ya, don’t know what she’s thinking though, disappearing like that when we’re not exactly that experienced with this whole off-world travel thing.”

“Yeah, I mean, I’m not one to judge, there’s obviously something going on there, but it is a bit frustrating.” Graham added.

“Yeah, agreed. She said she’d try though, so at least she knows she’s got some trying to do, right?” Yaz said, nodding along with the others.

“I haven’t taken a crack at having a word with her yet, I’ll give it a go next time if needed” Graham offered as Yaz joined them at the table, stopping to pick up a puzzle piece from the seat of the chair she was about to sit in and passing it to Graham. His excited exclaim at the discovery of the final missing piece of the 1000 piece jigsaw he’d been working on for weeks now cut through any of the tense feelings left in the room. Yaz smiled warmly at him as Ryan laughed in a half genuine half making fun of type of way. She did love this family, despite everything she really was lucky, unbelievably so, she needed to take more time to remind herself of that when things got tough. Look at these people she got to be with, look at the wonders she got to see. 

True to her word the Doctor had been a lot better, she had been there for every recent trip, near enough. She was physically there, yes absolutely, but mentally, well that was another matter altogether. Yaz would kick herself every time, but sometimes she thought for a split second she’d prefer if the Doctor had gone back to avoiding them all just so she didn’t have to keep looking at the vacant, distant space where her attentive eyes should have been. She was keeping them at arms length. Ryan had made the mistake of trying to casually ask what was going on with her the other day and it had been met with the same gruff disregard her earlier attempt to make light of her mood had. It annoyed Yaz, it was annoying all of them. Every time! Every time Yaz thought she had made progress there was magically another wall, another avoidance tactic employed and she felt like she was back at square one again. She was getting tired of it.

Then the Judoon had arrived, and so had Ruth.

“She’s doing it again” Ryan noted as they sat on the steps watching the Doctor stoop, tense and rigid over the console. “Spending hours at the controls looking for something, thinks we haven’t noticed.” 

He was right, the Doctor had been getting less sneaky about her checks, whatever they were, she was no longer hiding them as well as she had before, getting so lost in whatever she was looking for that she didn’t even notice them looking back at her as she did so.

“I’ll ask her.” Graham whispered, taking his aforementioned turn as he raised his voice, “Hey Doc! What’re you looking for?”

The Doctor turned to them in surprise.

“How long have you been there?” she questioned confusedly.

“20 minutes” Yaz responded.

“You haven’t.” she replied a little guiltily.

“What’re you looking for?” Ryan tried again.

“Not looking for anything.” was the practiced response. It boiled Yaz’s blood a little, she had said she’d try, she had said so many things, but there was still this lack of trust, why couldn’t she let them in. Yaz was starting to feel like she had done something, something to make the Doctor think she couldn’t trust her, some choice she’d made on a trip, something she’d said in passing. Try as she might, and try she had through many a sleepless night, she couldn’t pinpoint something. And all Yaz did and had been doing was try, she wanted the Doctor to think the best of her, she wanted to be on par with her greatness, she wanted to impress her and she wanted to be close. She had felt any closeness she had managed to build slipping away lately and she was nearly out of patience with the Doctor for being so stubborn.

“Don’t lie to us.” Yaz snapped back, rolling her eyes a little in annoyance.

The Doctor turned away, just giving Yaz enough time to catch the look in her eye that her accusation had garnered. Resentment and frustration being the main contenders, but a little bit of resignation passed through there too. Yaz was telling her not to lie, she was directly calling her out, she was being honest and wasn’t holding back. The Doctor admired that and she owed her something at least. She didn’t want this lack of trust to keep building but she didn’t know how to balance everything that was crashing around in her mind, she couldn't take it too far, if she gave them too much truth, well, it would be just that… too much. But she had said she’d try, she’d promised Yaz she would. So she did. Deep breath.

“The Master.”

“Why would you do that?” Graham wondered.

“The Kasaavin took him.” Yaz stated. The Doctor turned back toward them, giving in a little more, she knew she’d have to, all the questions they’d have. Just a little more.

“Yes. They transported him to their dimension and I can’t get there in the TARDIS, but I thought… if he escaped I could track him. There’s no sign.” she started out calm but found herself almost growling that last sentence, the frustration had been eating at her for what felt like so long now.

“Thought he’d be the last person you’d wanna see?” Ryan considered.

“He left a message for me.”

“Saying what?” Graham asked, maybe they were getting somewhere…

“It’s personal.” was the short, dismissive response. So maybe they weren’t.

Ryan looked over at Graham, brow furrowed.

“Is that where you go? When you leave us to explore and say you’ll be back in an hour but you never are?” Yaz asked, getting to the point, the crux of what had hurt her so much personally. “Are you out looking for him?” 

Yaz didn’t really understand who the Master was to the Doctor, she had said one of her ‘oldest friends’ and left it at that, left it so that they were left to make up their own minds, drift through imagined scenarios of what that could mean considering the way he’d manipulated and threatened and attempted to murder them. But in that moment, feeling a little petty even as she thought it, Yaz couldn’t help but feel some jealousy, or was it a little knick in her ego, a little addition to the thoughts of not being worthy enough to occupy the Doctors mind and time, that the Master was being chosen over her. It was stupid, but she can’t say there wasn’t a split second where she felt it.

“Where do you go?” she finished by asking.

And the Doctor gave them just a little more.

“Home.” it felt dramatic and heavy as she said it and as it spilled out into the air of the ship it brought some of its weight with it. It was okay to say it, it felt a little better for saying it, but don’t go too far, she kept reminding herself. “On my own.” 

“Why? Why not with us?” was Yaz’s exasperated retort. Could this not have all been settled so long ago if they’d just been included?

There was a moment, where Yaz looked at the Doctor after her question and saw her the most vulnerable and conflicted she ever had. Then she watched her eyes glaze over as she seemed to slip toward somewhere far away from them and the ship and their time, and when she returned her face was hardened and her walls rebuilt. They weren’t getting any further today.

“Cos you ask too many questions.”

It was a harsh response and one that everyone in that room knew was going to hit where it hurt. Especially Yaz, who had once been praised by the Doctor for her curiosity, for learning and knowing. Yaz scoffed at it, shaking her head. She was more annoyed now than when she had tried before, but she was also on her way to giving up, to thinking ‘what’s the point, she doesn’t trust you, doesn’t value you like you thought she did, at some point you have to stop trying to help because it’s tearing you apart and she obviously doesn’t want it, no matter how much you can see she needs it. At some point this validation seeking, this dream of reciprocation of importance to one another, it has to stop, it hurts too much’. So she dropped her eyes to the ground and let Graham take over, letting her know they were worried about her, hoping to make a difference. Then the alarms started blaring and they had to snap back to pretending nothing was wrong. The universe had gifted them with a distraction for now.

Ruth had been unexpected. More than unexpected. The Doctor wasn’t sure that even with her overactive imagination that she’d have dreamt her up. She didn’t understand, she couldn’t process what was happening. Had happened? Was going to happen? And the team had seen Jack? And Jack had talked about Cybermen? No, warned her about Cybermen? Cyberman? If there hadn’t been enough thoughts and questions and confusion swirling and ricocheting off her every nerve ending there certainly was now. She didn’t know how to even begin to process this. Wasn't sure she could.

So they had met another of the Doctor’s ‘old friends’. Yaz was starting to realise, not that she hadn’t really already known, that the Doctor’s world was always going to be bigger than she could ever imagine. It didn't help that she’d been feeling a bit unworthy, but to realise, the more and more they learnt, that she really was just a tiny piece of it all, of the Doctor’s life. How many had there been before her? How many had felt how she felt? How many had tried and failed to see if the Doctor felt the same? And Jack had kissed Graham thinking he was the Doctor, what did that mean? She didn’t want to think too hard about that one, no. 

She had been clear with the Doctor after she’d evaded talking about Ruth, Lee and the Judoon to begin with, opting to keep asking about Jack instead, she had asked, directly, a little annoyed, she wasn’t going to let things that deeply affected them all go unsaid anymore. It did no good.

But the answer the Doctor gave to who the fugitive actually was was something she could have never predicted: 

“It was Ruth. But Ruth was me.”

They each questioned her.

“She said she was my past, but I know my past, and she’s never been me.”

The Doctor didn’t seem to be able to meet anyone’s eye, it was as if, as she spoke about time swirling around her, that she could see it with her own eyes in the air about them, that she was captivated by it, unable to look away.

“Something’s coming for me, I can feel it.”

“Let it come. You’ve got us.” Ryan simply tried.

But it was more dire than that kindness could quell. The Doctor felt herself loosen that tether inside her just a little.

“Ryan. I’ve lived for thousands of years, so long I’ve lost count. I’ve had so many faces, how long have you been here?” 

It wasn’t a question that warranted an answer, it was a jab at his naiivity, at his simple wish to help and comfort. Was that not something the Doctor tried to do too, simply spread hope, fix things, help people? It almost felt insincere it was so hypocritical. The Doctor knew it too, but she also knew that even with the purest heart he couldn’t ever understand what she’d been through, what she’d seen, the cumulation of so many lives in one mind, so much love, so much loss… that’s a kind of learning a couple of decades can’t compete with. Doesn’t mean it didn't hurt, and it doesn’t mean that she didn’t purposefully mean it that way. 

“You don't know me, not even a little bit.” she finished gravely.

Yaz wanted to scream at her, ‘not for lack of trying!’ but her sister-like protection instincts toward Ryan kicked in first.

“Don’t talk to him like that!” she fought back.

Turns out she didn’t need to fight so hard, that Ryan had enough thoughts of his own to share.

“Yeah, I’m not having that. We do know who you are. You’re the woman that brought us together, the woman that saved us and loads of other people…”

As he paused the Doctor looked a little taken aback, Ryan could chat yeah, but he wasn’t the most open about his feelings, wasn’t always one for sharing or taking to the stand to say his piece. Yaz, despite her slight disagreement with the ‘knowing’ part of his statement, found the Doctor’s physical reaction to someone standing up to and for her adorably endearing, not being able to stop a small smile gracing her lips.

“You’re the Doctor. Whoever you were in the past or are in the future, we know who you are right now. Right?” Ryan looked at them for reassurance so they gave it to him, and to her.

“Right!”

“The best person we know.” Graham finished, echoing Yaz’s description of the Doctor right back at the start of their journey together. And it was those words that snapped Yaz back into the feelings she’d had at the beginning, the knowledge that, for some reason, instinctively, she’d be there for that woman who feel from the sky, through thick and thin, whatever the world threw at them. She thought it couldn’t hurt to let her know one more time while they were already chipping away at those defences.

“And whatever is coming for you, we’ll be here. Cos we’re your mates.” she simply stated.

“Well, not just mates. Family.” Graham amended and they all agreed, watching the Doctor let out a breath and deflate a little of the tension she’d been holding with it. 

“So, whether you want to go looking for whatever trouble’s coming, or whether you want to wait here and let it come to you, we’ll be right here by your side, like it or not Doctor.”

Yaz felt herself stand a little taller as Graham let the Doctor know they’d be there whether she wanted them or not, it was what she’d tried to tell her many times before, but maybe she was finally listening.

When Graham said that final ‘Doctor’, not 'Doc', not anything else, emphasising that it was her he was talking to when he said that name, that he knew who she was even if she felt betrayed by her own existence in a way she never had before. It meant everything. Of course she knew they’d tried, she’d watched them nervously chatter around the topic and prepared her guard every time, but there was something about seeing them all stand above her and declare that, even without knowing who she really was, because they didn’t, there was no doubting that, they were willing to risk it, to risk caring about her. Even Yaz’s look at her that screamed ‘I told you so’ was charming and amusing to her at this moment, only a small amount of heat gathering in her cheeks in response. So, in those seconds before alarms started blaring again, she revelled in those feelings, of family and hope and faith once again, hoping they would take over the stronger parts of her mind and that the creeping darkness that had been winning would be pushed back further into the shadows by the light they were casting on her. She hoped she could fight hard enough for it to stay that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINAL PART WILL BE UP LATER TODAY cos i really want it up before the episode this evening agh why do i do this to myself
> 
> THANKS SO MUCH for reading!!
> 
> How're you all feeling about tonights ep?
> 
> georgiarts on tumblr!


	3. Chapter 3

It had been a relatively normal next few days for them. Normal in only the way travelling through time and space with aliens and other-worldly tech can be. The Doctor wasn’t convinced that everything wasn’t connected, but she was worried she was reading too far into things, that her mind was playing tricks and her paranoia was getting the best of her. 

The Doctor and Ryan were sitting in the kitchen that night, she was watching Ryan play a new game she’d Kerblam’d for him last week (they were somewhat safe now, rebuilding, rebranding). He had asked her to talk to him, after he found her in the console room staring into nothing, to let him try and help make sense of things. He had asked it so gently and with such genuine care that she had thought ‘why not, can’t hurt’. 

She was regretting that now. 

She had been wrong, it was hurting her no end.

“But I still don’t get it. You’re you. I get that you’ve said you change, that your body reforms or something, but you and Ruth were both there and you didn’t know each other, how can she be from your past? Did you like forget her or something, or something made you forget?” Ryan was mumbling these questions at a gradually tensing Doctor while repeatedly shaking the controller at the screen, his back to her.

She didn’t know.

“I don’t know.” she blandly, quietly responded.

“It doesn’t make any sense. Are you sure, I mean, you scanned her right, maybe the sonic made a mistake or somethin’?” he continued.

“It didn’t!” she snapped back loudly, he jumped and turned to her, the game shifting slightly in the background as they sat in a little silence. She stopped, took a breath to calm herself, “It didn’t Ryan. Once the bioshield was down it was normal, all readings were normal, it read her as me and Gat as Gallifreyan too, it didn’t lie. I don’t understand it either, but it didn’t lie.”

“But—“ he tried.

“No!” The Doctor couldn’t handle it anymore, it had been building and building. Yaz had asked her questions, she was only trying to help, Ryan was asking questions, he was only trying to help, she understood that, she tried to have that make sense to her, for those questions to morph into care, because that’s all they were trying to do, just show they cared. But she couldn’t, not right now. She hadn’t slept in longer than a Time Lord usually went without taking a break to recharge, she was clenched and searching every recess of her mind every second of the day and she couldn’t handle more questions she didn’t know the answer to. She hated not knowing. She liked learning, liked being taught a new thing by someone only wanting her to understand and to share, but being so drastically lost in her own being, no, that was different. She was already so angry with herself for not being able to piece it all together, she didn’t need reminding of that from an outside source too.

“Ryan, I can’t keep going over this. I can’t handle these questions, from all of you! I don't know the answers! I’m trying so hard, I promised I’d try, but it’s too much. I need some space…’ she trailed off, getting up and leaving the room before Ryan could reply.

It was stupid, the stupid same questions over and over again, they all had them. One more question and she found herself over the edge, she couldn’t do it. It was for their own good.

Yaz was first into the console room that morning, greeting the Doctor with a smile and handing her a cup of tea, always having a chuckle as she made it even after so long, the ‘Universe’s #1 Dad’ mug still got her. But, as the Doctor took the mug she didn’t get a smile in return. In fact, the Doctor looked more grave than she’d seen in a while, conflicted but steadfast.

“What’s going on?” Yaz asked cautiously.

“When the others are here.” the Doctor replied, brushing her off.

“We’re not flying” she looked over to the Doctor who was sipping from her mug, not meeting her eyes, and didn’t make any move to stop her as she walked over to the doors. 

If she had opened those doors to the middle of deep space she wagered she would have felt the same as she did now. That her breath was being stolen out of her chest and the pressure of the air around her was making it cave in.

“Doctor…”

They hadn’t asked to be brought home. 

“What’s up Doc, pit stop back in Sheffield for a bit? Works for me, been craving that fish and chips from down the road since two moons ago.” Graham cheerily entered into the tense space unaware, Ryan trailing along behind him.

The Doctor cleared her throat and forced herself to stand a little taller.

“Not a pit stop.”

“What do you mean?” Ryan asked. Graham’s smile was gone, a confused look taking its place.

The Doctor didn’t know how to form the words.

“It’s not a goodbye—“

“Okay, hold on, stop right there. No.” Yaz interrupted, making her way properly back into the room, standing a few feet in front of the Doctor.

“Yaz—“

“No. You don’t get to do this.” she argued, jaw tight, shaking her head.

“It’s for your own good, your own safety.” The Doctor looked over Yaz’s shoulder toward the others, “all of you.”

“I don’t get it, are you kicking us out?” Ryan asked her, crestfallen and muddled, he knew she hadn’t been happy with him last night, but that couldn't have… couldn’t have made her do this right?

“No. No, I’m not, you will always have a home here. I just— I just need some time and some space to figure things out and I can’t do that with you all here. I can’t have you be witness to whatever happens next.” The Doctor answered, dark and calm.

“What do you mean? Why won’t you just tell us what you’re thinking?” Yaz exclaimed, “We want to help you, we want to be here and we’ve been asking you to let us in for months now. You invited us into your life, and sure, you’re entitled to not tell us everything, every secret you can’t say aloud, but this affects us too. You can’t toy with us like this…” She had started off strong but ended up sounding like a wounded animal, pleading.

“I can’t do this Yaz! I can’t have you see who I really am, I don’t even know who I really am! Especially now! I’ve said it before, and you’ve sad it doesn't matter but it does! You don’t know me, and yes that’s my own fault, that’s my own choice, because if you did, you wouldn’t want to be here at all. I am not the best person you’ve met and I am not the best person you will ever meet, and I don’t know how all of this is going to end but I don’t want to put you through that! Do I want to be alone again? No, never, there’s some honesty for you, but I can’t have you look at me like I’m a monster! I can’t have you look at me how you look every time you ask me how Ruth can be me, like you don’t even know my face anymore.” she was breathing hard, she was panicked, she was lying and being as honest as she could be at the same time.

Yaz was silent, the Doctor had moved forward, ending inches from her face. The power radiating off her was palpable. No one knew what to say.

“If I tell you to walk out that door now,” she stepped away, gestured toward the still open doors, “then I don’t have to watch you choose to do it because of everything that could happen later on. I can ask you now, like this, as much as it kills me,” her voice breaking, “because at least it was this me asking, a me before I break everything beyond repair.” 

Silence again. Then Yaz couldn’t help herself.

“I can’t believe this.” she scoffed, “After everything, after how much we’ve tried and tried and put our lives and hearts on the line for you. You can’t even trust us now, can’t see that maybe we’re worth enough to let in. Do we mean that little to you? I know you’ve lived thousands of lives, I know we’re just a tiny speck, but, maybe if it seems that way to you, I know it doesn't to us, to me. This is my life, my whole life, and I only get one of them. Don’t make me have wasted so much of it trying to help you to be thrown out of yours like this.” 

There was no response, the Doctor and Yaz just stared at each other, neither breaking first, neither knowing what should be done. After a moment Graham spoke up,

“Look, Doc. You can ask us to leave, that’s your right okay, but don’t make it final. We can give you some space, but I for one would like a promise that one day you’ll come back. I am not ready for this to end. This is living, being out in the universe with you, that’s real living. And I’ve spent a lot of my life waiting, at bus stops, in hospital chairs, for test results, for funerals, for another shot. I found one with Grace and I found one again with you. If you care about us at all, you’ll understand that we need you just as much as you need us.” He looked toward Ryan, “Come on Son, let’s let them talk. It’s not goodbye though Doc, I won’t take that.”

Ryan took a moment before following Graham toward the doors, he looked as if he was about to say something but couldn’t quite do it, he sighed, sending a disappointed look toward the Doctor who recoiled as he did so, as if it physically hurt her, bowing her head so as to not watch them leave. Graham was only leaving because, though he had a thousand questions about every aspect of her life, lives, he felt he understood her well enough. He thought back to the first time she had finally got them back to Sheffield and he saw the same thing in her face now, no, she couldn't be alone for long. It didn’t suit her. Ryan on the other hand was aware maybe he was being childish, that he’d had enough sudden losses in his life to know that he maybe should have said goodbye when he had the chance, but the anger and betrayal was winning right now. He’d probably come down from the anger in a few hours and just feel a wave of sadness, but he couldn’t right now.

The doors swung shut behind them and they began the walk home, a slow drizzle of rain just starting as they did.

The air in the TARDIS almost felt hot with how tense the two people standing stoically inside it were.

“You’ve been an idiot Doctor.” Yaz broke the silence first. “You’ve been stubborn and stupid and careless and distracted and shot down every chance you’ve had and we’ve given you to just shut us out and wallow. I get it’s more than I could know, more than I could probably even feel without combusting in this basic human body, but Doctor…”

“There’s nothing basic about humans” the Doctor interrupted in a mumble

“What?” Yaz all but spat.

“There’s nothing basic, nothing wrong with you, you said you’re not worthy, but you are. It’s me who isn’t.”

“No. I’m not gonna let you keep doing this. We’ve been going round and round in circles, it exhausting and infuriating.” Yaz retorted.

“It’s for your own good, your own protection. You cannot imagine the people I’ve angered, the things I’ve destroyed. Ruth pulled that horn off the Judoon and reversed a gun to shoot Gat like it was nothing, and that’s supposed to be me?! I can’t have you here. You don’t understand—“

“Then help me to understand, just tell me something, anything. I promise the world won’t implode if you let someone in!”

“I can’t.”

Yaz was beginning to lose the battle with the rest of her anger, maybe she was going to say something she regretted, maybe she was going to be honest, but she couldn’t do this anymore.

“You know what,” she laughed in resignation, “screw this. Maybe you’re right. Maybe you aren’t worth all this... You know when I was taken by the Kasaarvin you didn’t even so much as ask me how I was. Even after you went there too, so I know you felt how I did, how horrendous and empty that place was.” she paused, tears forming despite her fight against it, “I thought I had died Doctor. I thought my life was over, just like that. And yet, I didn’t even want to go home to my family when I came around again, I just wanted to stay with you, be close to you, talk to you because I thought you’d care enough to understand. But you didn't even ask. All I’ve wanted was to get to know you, have you see me as an equal, trust me, but all that effort wasn’t worth it if you can’t even realise that you’re already being the monster you so desperately keep warning us not to stick around long enough to find.”

“Yaz—“

“No. You’re right, maybe we do need space.”

And with that she was gone too. 

It was what the Doctor wanted right, she had asked them to leave. There was too much to begin to help them understand… she had to keep repeating that to herself, she had to make herself see that this was the right choice, the only choice she could make, the only one she felt she had any control over when everything else was completely out of her grasp. Yeah, it was what she wanted.


	4. Chapter 4

It had been three days. Yaz had barely left her room. They’d arrived back on a Saturday and she’d already called in to work to get the next few days off, she just couldn’t do it. Her mum was doing the best she could, it was annoying, but she appreciated that she cared. All she had told her was that the Doctor and her had had a fight and she didn't know when they would see each other again. It wasn't technically a lie. Her mum, however, was taking it a little too far, bringing her ice cream and teas and chocolate and suggesting terrible films they could watch. It wasn’t until day two that Yaz realised her mum was definitely treating it like a break up. She supposed she had been suspicious right from the first meeting… 

Yaz couldn’t help but treat it a little bit like a breakup too. Not that she was going to think about what that meant, leaning into the treatment from her mum was far enough. If she started thinking about all those feelings she kept pushing aside, the ones that had made her so angry about the whole situation, the ones that Graham had so obviously seen and that’s why he let them have that terrible moment alone, she couldn't do that now, not when there maybe wasn’t any point, not if she might never see the Doctor again anyway…

It had felt much longer than three days for the Doctor. She had sat on the floor of the console room for a while, a long while. Trying and failing to think about anything than what had just happened.

A monster. 

Was Yaz right? She usually was. Awesome human.

She was already the monster. She had been an idiot. Why did it feel like she had regressed back into an old form who didn’t know how to share and love? Why was she so scared? 

Her own fear had made her become the worst of herself; the very thing she feared the most. An awful paradox. An awful mistake.

After a day of trying not to think she decided to try and distract herself from all that heartsache and focus on the things that had kicked off this very mess.

The Master, The Timeless Child, Gallifrey, Ruth, Jack, Cybermen, her past.

It felt as if her brain was being crushed under the very stress of each thing. She tried them one by one.

The Master. He's gone, probably. Kasaarvin are exiled, they can’t move from their universe. Can the Master? He’s not one of them? How did they move? Through things, between things? Could he rig something, as she had rigged that fail-safe? Their realm had seemed pretty barren, could she have not looked close enough? The emptiness, the panic and cold that Yaz had mentioned, had that clouded her?

The Timeless Child. He said everything was built on that lie. She had seem glimpses of her past, as he forced them into her mind, times it had been said before, trying to remember her childhood, flashes of things that hadn’t happened yet. The Timeless child was a story or a myth, or something at the very fabric of their being, Time Lords, something buried so deep that it physically pained her whenever she tried to reach it. She couldn’t do anything more with that, not now.

Gallifrey. Lost again, but maybe not lost? Gat hadn’t known, neither had Ruth. Had they been away that long, alongside the Judoon on the hunt for the fugitive and missed the destruction. Had they come from elsewhere? Another time, another universe? Could that be it? She had seen Gallifrey with her own eyes, so many times, she had walked its still smouldering streets and searched and searched for survivors, for any hint of an answer. But the Master had been angry, so angry he’d managed to wipe out it all. Sometimes she’d come across a building that was standing a little taller, stronger than the rest and she’d take a step inside, try to feel, try to see if the remnants of any contact she could have would still remain, even after death. There was so much death there. Her home. Her self.

Jack. How she wished she could have seen his face. How she wished she could have involuntarily smiled at a cheesy joke or two. Even to feel his messy kiss. That’s Jack. He had warned her about the Cybermen, was that what was coming, what she could feel biting at her heels and dragging her down. Was that lone Cyberman he had fabled what was on its way? She wasn’t sure that was right, it felt too simple, none of this was simple.

Ruth. Ruth. The Doctor. Another. How could she have been someone and have no memory, have no connection other than a similar mind. And DNA she supposed. And had it not happened similarly before, had she not had another version of herself slip from her mind? She had been ‘the renegade’ before, why not ‘the fugitive’ now. But it hadn’t completely gone had it, parts of that version of her, of the war, the choices, the death, those had somehow found their way through the cracks. She had not remembered correctly, but she hadn't not remembered it at all. This was different, it had to be. She couldn't feel so lost in her own mind like that. How could she trust herself again?

Her own mind was failing her in so many ways and she didn't have anyone who knew her well enough to tell her if she was losing it all completely.

Oh.

She had been so scared about them finding out the bad that she hadn’t let them see the good either, not properly. She could have talked to them about the positive, about the triumphs, like the amount of times the UK government had nearly been taken over by aliens (note to self that she’d have to check later about that one in charge now, unconvincing...) She could have told them of the look on Van Gogh’s face as he saw the future his work would have, Yaz would have liked that one especially. She could have told them about the times she’d been in love before, about the beautiful sacrifices they had made, and their beautiful minds that had made her love them even more than she could have ever imagined. She could have told them about her family, her daughter, granddaughter, and those whose bedrooms could still be found down one corridor or another if you looked hard enough. She could have told them how she felt the day she’d ran and crashlanded, she could have told them how it felt to see her home burning. She could have taken them there earlier, let them see the place she would give her life for again and again if she had to. 

They didn’t know her. They didn’t know the bad, but they also didn’t know the good.

And that was the thought that broke her. She had put on such a chipper act from the get-go. Some of it had been real, she had been excited, she was ready to be someone new, to find so much good in the universe, to take this chance of feeling so fresh and different in a new form to leap into a better version of herself. To try and forget the things that broke her hearts over and over again. But she hadn’t taken a second to think before she jumped and now she was trapped and alone and confused and realising she was crying, not even feeling the tears fall.

On the Tuesday Yaz thought she should probably get some fresh air. Ryan had texted her the night before to see how she was and ask if she’d heard anything. He had said he felt bad, and he didn’t really understand what had gone so wrong. Yaz felt for him, she felt the same. She did harbour some regret for what she had said, she had taken it a little far. Saying the Doctor wasn’t worthy… even after she’d watched that self-hatred grow and grow… it had been cruel and calculated and in a moment of anger. That doesn’t mean she wasn’t sorry though. But she didn't know how they could move forward if the Doctor wasn’t going to budge. It was stupid, she couldn’t get over how this magnificent intelligent being couldn’t see that she was being stupid, that as big as her secrets were, that they would only continue to grow if she didn’t share something.

Luckily the flat was empty so she didn't have to explain herself when she made her way out her room, dressed and hair somewhat tamed for the first time since she’d returned. She stepped out the door and stopped in her tracks. Looking out over the balcony, the first thing that caught her eye as she adjusted to the bright sun that had broken through after all that rain. The TARDIS. Right where it had been days before when she’d marched out of it in anger. She realised now she had never heard it leave, the echoes of that rumbling would have bounced off the hallways and in through the bedroom window she always had cracked open slightly. No, she’d never heard a thing. The Doctor had been there the whole time. She had never left.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ahhh the end, I've loved writing this actually and i'm so glad i've managed to get it done before this episode hahaa, it was a challenge! 
> 
> So yeah, if anything in this ep (praxeus) and onwards contradicts, since i've been quite canon-ish so far, just know it was posted before and also it's my version of it all and how i think their minds are working or how i'd like them to be.
> 
> thanks so much for reading, come chat to me if you feel like it (georgiarts on tumblr)
> 
> love you guys! Thanks for being so nice to me in my first foray into writing for this fandom!
> 
> -

“Doctor?” Yaz called quietly throughout the eerily still ship as she peaked inside.

Usually there was something happening, some buzzing and beeping, something in motion at all times, if only just the breeze the Doctor brought with her as she almost skipped about.

But everything was still, it was dark. It felt like when you visit those museum houses, furniture still in place, a pen and ink on the table, left in as close to the original condition as possible. But only to be looked at, not touched, not lived in, in glass cases so as not to even be breathed upon. It was cold.

Yaz slowly walked inside, looking around she started up the stairs and into the maze of hallways. She had rarely seen the Doctor outside of the console room, but she knew that sometimes there’d be a lull and she’d go missing inside the ship somewhere unknown. The TARDIS was a strange machine, to Yaz it seemed more living than the Doctor had made it out to be when they’d first questioned her. The hallways seemed to shift slightly as she walked through them, not enough for her to definitively say, but she felt as though she could always see a little movement out the corner of her eye, only to find nothing when she got there. Were they guiding her or getting her lost? What did the Doctor want them to do?

Then she hit a dead-end. She didn't think that was possible, but here she was facing a door of dark mahogany wood. She took the chance. Reached for the handle and slowly pushed it open.

She was instantly overwhelmed by the grandeur of what she saw. A library so many floors high, a small balcony-like pathway wrapping round the room heading to a glass ceiling, looking out toward Sheffield cloud. It was then that she saw the Doctor, ahead of her, a few floors up, curled up in a large red arm chair. She obviously hadn’t heard her enter.

Yaz headed up, pausing every now and then, distracted by a spine, a title, or the odd artefact that stood on a plinth around the place. On one there was a picture, a framed photo of a smiling woman with curly hair, another piece of the Doctor’s past she so longed to know more of.

Yaz rounded the last corner before the Doctor and coughed quietly to make herself known.

“Doctor?” she followed with a whispered call of her name.

Yaz supposes the Doctor would have jumped with fright under normal circumstances, but it seemed she was so drained, so low and lethargic that her body couldn’t even manage it. She looked up at her, surprised and confused and sad.

“Are you really here?” she questioned, “I’m not sure I trust what’s real anymore in this mind…”

It was true. The Doctor had spent so many hours interrogating herself that she couldn't quite get her functions back to normal, it all felt as though it was stuck in a storm, the wind and rain whipping around every thought as she tried to trek through.

“I’m here.” Yaz walked closer to the Doctor, kneeling in front of her, her hand on her knee, “you never left?” 

“Couldn’t.” The Doctor looked down at Yaz, “Couldn’t just leave you all, couldn’t be alone.” she shook her head and rolled her eyes at herself, “so stupid, such an idiot” she murmured under her breath.

“Hey, no, okay. Sure you haven’t been the brightest about this whole mess, but I don't want to hear you hating yourself like that.” Yaz was aware she herself had very recently called the Doctor stupid inside her own mind, but seeing this faded version of her now, she knew it wasn’t as simple as that. Yaz continued softly,

“Can we talk about any of what’s going on? Cos I’ve been miserable without you and stuck in regret about what I said, I’m sorry Doctor.”

The Doctor shook her head at her,

“No, you don’t have to be sorry. This is me, this is all me. I’ve got myself so lost and tangled and anxious that I don't even know what I’m doing anymore... Yaz, I don’t know who I am. I don't know whats coming for me and I’m terrified that whatever it is is going to harm you, all of you, on its way to get here. I’m so sorry I thought I was just protecting you, from me and everything else. It didn’t work.” 

Yaz laughed softly, in a kind way, “No, Doctor, it definitely didn’t." she waited for a little smile to pass over the Doctor's face, receiving the knowledge with that simple sentence that Yaz had already forgiven her, before carrying on, "But we can try again. If you can trust a little more and just knock one brick at a time from that wall of yours. I’m sure we can try again.” Yaz was soft and hopeful and she was letting herself feel that way just one more time because she wanted it so badly. She had been so afraid she’d blown it, that she would have to settle for a life she’d never truly found purpose and happiness in again, that she had lost the stars and the dreams and her guide through them all at once. If there was a shot that they could come back from this, if they could be stronger and closer than ever. That’s all Yaz had wanted, from the moment she’d heard this women in front of her proclaim that they were friends now. 

“I want that Yaz, but I don’t even know how to trust my own mind right now. What else is it hiding from me? What else have I done or been that I don’t remember? Ruth can’t be true. I can’t have lost a whole version of myself, a whole lifetime? Can I?” the pleading in the Doctor’s voice broke her. Here was this woman she had idolised and thought was so perfect and above all those human worries and flaws. She had been wrong, but, despite the pain of the situation, she was glad she had been. 

“I can’t answer that for you Doctor. I’m sorry. But I can be here and I can help you figure it out I promise.” Yaz said sternly making sure the Doctor saw in her eyes how much that was true. “Talk to me.” she continued, “What’s happening in that big beautiful mind right now?”

The Doctor answered.

“I’m worrying that I can’t figure any of this out if I can’t trust my mind not to be keeping things from me. I don't trust myself. And if it’s not me then it’s someone else, I don’t trust that someone, or something, out there is pulling strings for fun just to watch me squirm.” she ended in a voice drenched in ice, in fear.

“Why do you think someone would do that?”

“Thousands of reasons Yaz.” she explained, exasperated and emotionless. “I am not and have not always been good. Despite my best efforts, in spite of it all, I’ve done things you would never want to know about.”

“I do want to know.” Yaz replied quickly, “I want to know it all Doctor, and I think you need someone to.”

“I don’t want to be alone again Yaz. Me and a mind I can’t even see my own thoughts in without them being warped and twisted into something else. My home planet is burning.” her head fell into her hands, she couldn’t stop now she had started, she had to trust someone, she had to get it out, it couldn't keep wringing her out from the inside. “It’s gone Yaz, he destroyed it and he left with so many questions and I can’t answer them alone.”

Yaz reached her other hand up, lifting the Doctor’s head from her hands, feeling the warm wet tears on her palm and to match those running down her own cheeks.

“I’m so sorry Doctor. I’m so sorry about your home. I understand that I can never fully comprehend what you’ve been through, but I will try, I promise I’ll try as long as you keep trying too. We’ll never judge you like you’re scared we will, humans are used to having flaws you know, and we're basically the pros of making mistakes. There’s pride to be found in not being perfect and owning up to that. We can do this, all of us together. Just keep going, keep being brave like this, okay. I promise you we will figure this out. We will find you again even if we have to talk through ever tiny thing that happened in every single lifetime you’ve had. We will."

The Doctor smiled. Maybe, it’d be okay. Yaz was right, nothing had imploded yet, and she'd opened up more than she could have convinced herself she ever would just a few days ago.

Yaz smiled too, taking in this moment before suggesting they go find the boys and start their work on forgiveness and trust over there too. The Doctor agreed, they deserved that and so much more, and she was grateful for the break to take the time to build herself up to revealing more. She needed to do this. For them, for her, and for whatever was coming in the future.

Yaz got to her feet and reached out a hand to the Doctor who took it eagerly, pleased to have something as strong and grounding as Yaz to hold on to. She didn't plan on letting go any time soon.

She sniffled and cleaned herself up as they walked out of the library. Then, seemingly out of nowhere Yaz heard her ask softly, like a child trying not to push their luck after being chastised and then forgiven for misbehaving, “Can we maybe go get those fish and chips Graham was talking about on the way…?”

Yaz turned and smiled unbelievably at her, but replied sincerely, “Of course we can.”

And just before they turned to leave the ship The Doctor couldn't help but question, “do you think they can wrap them up like an apology bouquet?”

Yaz’s laugh at the incredulous, perfectly Doctor-like request was the last thing heard as the TARDIS doors shut behind them. 

There was that hope she’d been banking on.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!!! let me know your thoughts if you feel like it, on this and on the show in general, wtf is going on guyssss!
> 
> (georgiarts on tumblr cause i dont really use the 100percentjazzedtomeetyou one anymore so chat to me there if you want :))


End file.
